Embracing the Unpredictable: Navigating Grief, Starting Over, and Working in Utah's Winter Wonderland

After averaging one blog post every month last year, the first year after my mother's shocking death, I had high hopes for my writing this year. But alas, I forgot that healing is not linear, and even though this move to Utah has been a positive experience, I often feel incredibly depleted and numb, sometimes barely mustering the energy to work, eat, and sleep. I've reduced my barometer of success to brushing my teeth and changing my underwear. Anything past that is deemed extra credit. Showers are optional depending on the day's activities and how well my deodorant is holding up.

In the last few weeks, I've come to realize that my exhaustion is not strictly grief; it's a gnarly combo of grieving while starting over (for the eighth time in six years) and navigating a new city without a car.

Here's the thing: our brains like routine. They are wired to conserve as much energy as possible. That's why we develop habits and why they can be hard to break. It's an evolutionary survival mechanism. The more things we can do from memory, the less energy we expend; the less energy we expend, the more likely we are to survive a predator attack. Obviously, I know the predator situation does not apply to most of us in these modern times, but that part of our brain has yet to update its operating system since the dawn of time. Now, with all that said, let's examine my new day-to-day life in Utah through that lens.

I work 4-5 days a week, and I only know how I'm getting to/from work the night before or the day of. Sometimes, I can ride up or down with Aud, but with scheduling differences, I often have to take the bus, which is two hours and two buses one way. Sometimes, I can take the first bus to the bottom of the canyon and hitch up with a coworker, which can shave up to an hour off the commute. Similar creativity and juggling of options apply to the way down and only get sorted once I am at work, sometimes a few hours into my shift. If I'm not closing, I usually take the bus, which departs every 30 minutes. However, suppose it's blizzarding, making the 15-minute walk down to the bus stop treacherous, and the red snake (mountain code for the line of cars exiting the canyon) is stopped, preventing the hotel shuttle from taking me down. I'm then forced to wait until one of my coworkers can take me down, which can be anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple of hours. But wait, am I the closer? Then, I have to make sure one of the therapists is also closing because the last bus leaves the canyon an hour before we close the spa.

And that's just the work commute logistics. There's also laundry, grocery shopping, food prep, and life errand logistics. We don't have a washer and dryer in Aud's condo, so that's a few hours and a trip to the laundry mat every other week or so. Audrey lets me use her car to do those things, but despite working at the same place, our schedules don't always align. I have to constantly think ahead and cross reference my days off with when the car might be available, with when my food will get low, with when I will run out of clean undies, and whether or not it's time to do my bedding with how much food I need to prep for the days ahead with when my grief spirals and exhaustion will be at their lowest or highest. In the worst-case scenario, I can always take the bus to do those things, but that adds extra time spent waiting and walking, which then limits how much laundry or groceries I can carry, affecting how long my supplies will last me until I need to reload again, at which point the entire cycle begins again.

Ooof, I'm drained just typing that out.

The short version of that rambling is that my schedule lacks any rhythm, routine, or habit, and every day is like deciphering a new algebra equation just to perform the bare minimum of daily life.

I say all that not for pity but to get you thinking about your life, especially you who can be highly self-critical. Are you actually lazy and not doing enough, or is your body shutting down because your reptilian brain is exhausted from trying (or having) to do it all, all the time? I also rambled on in detail about my existence logistics because, though I often have magical luck in my travels and wind up in beautiful places with beautiful experiences, there are also not-so-magical pockets when times are tough. I want to inspire you to have more soul-searching life adventures, but I also want to keep it real.

Because of the frequent exhaustion and lack of a car, I have not ventured out to explore much, and I'm ok with that for now. Even though settling in and adjusting to Utah is taking much longer than my adolescent chair would like, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As the days slowly get longer and warmer, I notice my energy and motivation trickling back in. Having survived the winter and wanting to continue the adventure here, I began the process of shipping my car out. That, as we can distill from above, will have a massive positive effect on my energy, time, and ability to explore. Even though the commute sans car has been a significant challenge the last four months, I love working up at Snowpine. Everything about it is special—the history, the building, the location, the vibes. I hit the motherload.

In 2020, after a $40,000,000 renovation and add-on, Snowpine Lodge went from a no-frills utilitarian ski lodge to a luxury boutique ski-in/ski-out hotel. Instead of tearing down the old building, it was incorporated into the new structure, making us simultaneously the oldest and newest building in the canyon. The historic structure, dating back to 1862, is the heart of Stillwell Spa, where I work. Before skiing was a thing, it used to belong to the Emma Silver Mine, and what was once the mining vault is our laundry and storage area. As the town of Alta grew around the mining industry in the early 1900s, they added rooms and floors to create the post office and general store, now our relaxation lounge, boutique, and owner's clubhouse. The very first ski entrance on the mountain in 1938 is now the archway leading from our reception area into the retail boutique. And all the big, beautiful stones making up this historic structure were mined from the mountain we are perched on. Even our name, Stillwell Spa, was chosen to honor the local history. J. G. Stillwell owned and managed the general store in the late 1800s, which his son eventually ran until the stock market crash in 1929. Super cool, right?!

Every day, there's something new to learn: hotel workings, mountain culture, ski terminology, avalanche mitigation regulations, and rapidly changing driving conditions. There's something about the topography of our canyon that draws in and collects snow like a magnet. (Last year, they broke a bazillion records with over 900"!) We regularly have the best snow in the country and sometimes internationally. On numerous occasions, guests showed up to us because they changed the location of their ski trip at the last minute; I was told, "We have our own home in Big Sky, but the snow is better here." "We were supposed to go to Europe, but the forecast was iffy, so we rerouted here at the last minute."

Working in a small hotel in a unique location feels reminiscent of working on cruise ships, without the drama of all living together in sardine cans, and has brought comfort to my lost heart. Our stunning location and cozy lodge vibes present a variety of IG-worthy backdrops, which draw in people from all over. We have a few loyal celeb and influencer guests, with a few cool happenings on the horizon this fall, so my gut tells me we're on the verge of becoming a big deal on a larger scale, not just a hidden gem for die-hard skiers.

Knowing I survived the toughest season when my mental and energetic tanks were already near empty, I'm excited to see what blossoms out of the rest of the year. We're the only lodge in the canyon that is open all year, as our mountain views are in high demand for weddings in the summer. The official ski season end date is April 21, but our business dropped off almost overnight last week, which is oddly perfect timing as I'm literally en route to Ireland for the next two weeks.

There's so much travel magic already at play with how this trip is forming, but I'll have to save all of that for a later day. I wanted to post a Utah winter adventure update before embarking on the Ireland adventure, and I'm currently sitting in Chicago waiting for my flight to Dublin. Connecting in Chicago feels like a bit of travel magic in itself, as this is where I was born and where this sweet little girl was introduced to her Irish heritage through the yearly Irish Fest.

You're welcome to tag along via IG and FB. Otherwise, I'm sure I'll have plenty to write and share about here when I return to US soil, which multiple friends have already joked might not happen, knowing my propensity to move to foreign countries.

So, stay tuned!

Hugs,

Cat