8 Life-Altering Resources: Books, Talks, and Documentaries that Prepared Me for My Mother's Death
I got into reading memoirs and non-fiction about fifteen years ago, but it wasn't until living alone in a foreign country while dealing with immense personal hardship that I really gravitated toward books on overcoming adversity. Because of the time change from Perth to the US, connecting with my loved ones was infrequent at best. Reading about other people overcoming hardship helped me feel not so alone in my pain while disconnected from my support system.
When Pegster was dying last year, I was largely steady, present, and grounded throughout the flux and near-constant blows of devastating news. Yes, there were days I cried and days I wanted to hide from the weight of watching my mother rapidly decline. But one thing I noticed throughout that three-month death adventure is that as things got incrementally more confronting each day, I became more grounded, not less. I didn't shut down in response to the discomfort. I stayed with it. I noticed it. I let it be.
In reflecting on how I was able to do that, especially fresh off four years of stress and emotional hardship, I saw an underlying theme within the learning materials that found me during that time- death, grief, and devastating loss. I say learning materials because a few weren't books. When I spotted the common thread, I felt with every ounce of my being that the universe had been preparing me for my mother's death long before it rerouted me back to the US early last year.
As I typed this out, I realized two of these books came to me by way of a dear friend, my soul sister from Australia, Woody. In the years prior to my move Down Under, she had gone through her own series of confronting losses. In doing her inner work to process those heavy emotions, she became a beautiful example to navigate my struggles years later. And it wasn't just the books; it was the way she would listen and hold space for what I was moving through- I witnessed next-level compassion, empathy, and kindness. Her personal healing work created a positive ripple effect in lives outside hers for years to come. I wanted to highlight those realizations because they perfectly illustrate the popular phrase, "When we heal ourselves, we heal the world."
So without further ado, here are the stories that laid dormant in my subconscious, providing the framework for leaning into the discomfort of my mother's death.
Be Here Now: The Andy Whitfield Story
This documentary is about a beloved young Australian actor who received a devasting cancer diagnosis just as his star was rising.
I was doing one of my first pet sits in Perth; it was late at night, and I was scrolling on Netflix. My dad was in the throes of an aggressive cancer treatment- stage 4 in the bone and lymph node- so we had no clue if he would survive. (Thankfully and miraculously, he did.) I was grappling with the idea that my dad could die before I saw him again while simultaneously nursing a broken heart from a difficult breakup, in addition to a few other big stressors. I was feeling a bit numb, not brave enough to call anyone for support, and decided to find something to force a cry out. This documentary certainly did the trick. Plus, not only did it get my emotions flowing, the way Andy and his wife led their lives before and during their cancer journey made a massive impact on how I looked at my life and carried on through my hardships. I immediately found his wife, Vashti, on Instagram, who happens to be a phenomenal resilience coach that I still follow for nuggets of wisdom to this day.
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
This was one of the books that found me by way of Woody. I think the title tells you all you need to know about it.
It was early 2020, just before the world shut down, and I had taken a four-hour road trip to visit with her for the first time since my break up the year before. This was a huge deal in my healing journey because she's married to my ex's family. They are both incredible people I greatly respect, and I knew it would be a good visit, but I was pretty nervous to be around them for the first time as the ex-girlfriend. (I had also been navigating a major falling out with my only other good friend in Perth, so I was EXTREMELY insecure about how people perceived me.) Anywho, I came out to the kitchen the morning after I arrived (the day after she got an earful on everything I was struggling with) to see this book sitting on the corner of the bench. I laughed when I saw the title and said, "I'm guessing this is for me?!" Now that I think about it, given what I'm currently moving through, I should probably re-read it pronto.
A Morning with Elizabeth Gilbert
This was an in-person talk hosted by Business Chicks just as the world started shutting down for COVID. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote the legendary book, and one of the reasons I turned into a globetrotting gypsy, Eat Pray Love. In this keynote, she taught techniques for reframing the priorities in your life, accessing creativity, and choosing a creative path over one of fear.
During the two-hour talk, she also told a very raw story of supporting the love of her life through the final days of death by cancer, how she held her on the bathroom floor while her body convulsed violently, and the only thing she could do was to be right there, fully present, not no matter how heartbreaking the scene. The energy and memory of that story came to mind frequently, bolstering me through the hard days of Mum's cancer journey.
**Side story from that day- everything she touched on in this speech related to what I was going through and struggling to express so magically that it shattered my emotional armor, and I was sobbing by the end of it. My tears continued through the meet and greet, making me feel incredibly self-conscious about meeting one of my idols while uncontrollably crying. So when it was my turn for a photo, I just walked up and said, "I'm in the middle of a shit tornado," a phrase she used during the talk to describe the times in life when everything goes to hell. She gave me the biggest hug and said some kind, encouraging words.
A while later, Liz and the organizers walked past me as I sat outside the convention center, still crying and trying to collect myself before hopping on the train. She noticed me sitting there, broke away from the group to wish me well again, and handed me a fancy gourmet chocolate bar from her bag. In this case, "never meet your heroes" couldn't have been farther from the truth.
Traveling With Ghosts by Shannon Leone Fowler
This one called to me not because of the loss and tragedy but because of the healing through travel. (Well, that and she was an American living in Australia with an Aussie partner.)
The author's fiance died from a box jellyfish sting while holding her in the ocean during a trip to Thailand. Though with how she writes about her experiences, the travels quickly become a bonus read to the landscape of her grief and hindsight wisdom beautifully woven into the different cultural experiences.
The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully by Frank Ostaseski
This was the other Woody recommendation.
Drawing on over twenty years of experience supporting people through their final days, Frank shares a collection of wisdom, practices, and lessons to help us live a more fulfilling life by getting comfortable with death. It's not as heavy as you might think.
The Smallest Lights in the Universe: A Memoir by Sara Seager
Part science book, part memoir, the author is an astrophysicist who loses her husband to a blindsiding cancer diagnosis. While it has so much to teach us about navigating grief, it's also beautiful insight into parenting, connection, neuro-diverse, and the pressures women face in a male-dominated industry. And she does it all while searching our galaxy for another Earth. No biggie.
Dear Life, A Doctor's Story of Love and Loss by Rachel Clarke
I was drawn to this one because the author, a specialist in palliative medicine, writes about her father's journey with terminal cancer, also a doctor. By the time this book found me, I'd already read several books on death and grief. Having the personal account co-mingled with the professional experience really piqued my interest. It did not disappoint, but it was a tear-jerker.
To Love & Let Go by Rachel Brathen
I stalked this book while it was being born. I follow Rachel on Instagram, known to many as Yoga Girl. She frequently posted about the creation of this book for months, and I couldn't wait to get my hands on it- which turned into a three-year wait. It was published in 2019, but I couldn't get my hands on it until early 2022 when I returned to the US. As I was on a tight budget, I only read what I could get for free from the library. Though the Perth libraries had excellent selections, they often lacked lesser-known American authors.
Anywho, she lays bare not only her grief from losing her best friend in a tragic car crash and the insane synchronicities that occurred as it happened but how her childhood trauma and family baggage shaped her life. It's a phenomenal reminder not to compare ourselves to what we see on Instagram and the power of turning inward to work through it all. A lot of love and happiness is shared throughout, so it's not all dark and heavy.
I can assure you that reading even just one of these books will change the way you operate and think. I'd love to hear which ones call to you the most and how they impact you once you read them.
Hugs,
Cat